bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
