You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
