Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
