he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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