Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
