..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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