So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
