1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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