I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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