Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
