do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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