I hope mine doesn't look like that
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
