Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
