hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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