I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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