I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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