Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
