its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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