I am midnight drunk by noon
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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