nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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