Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
