arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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