Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
