I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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