I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
