I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
