Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
