do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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