we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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