Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
