theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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