I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
