I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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