if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
