I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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