I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I need moral support for this bender
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
