I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
