woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
