I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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