That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
