I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
