I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
