We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
