Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
