There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
