Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
