"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
