Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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