We won't sleep together?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
