I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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