Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Randomize
