So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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