I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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